Working with a Sleep Consultant: From the Parent’s Perspective, with Sarah Gardner
When we talk about sleep consulting, we often focus on helping babies and toddlers sleep through the night, but in reality, we’re coaching parents through mindset shifts, confidence building, and new routines that can feel both exciting and intimidating at the same time.
In this week’s episode of the Becoming a Sleep Consultant podcast, I’m joined by Sarah, a former client who came to me wanting a very gradual and parent-present approach. She was feeling cautious about making changes, and wanted to be sure her baby always felt supported and secure.
What unfolded was a powerful example of how blending empathy with accountability can lead to massive results. We simplified the process, made small yet sustainable changes, and celebrated every win along the way. Within two weeks, her baby was sleeping independently, and Sarah felt calm, confident, and proud of what we had accomplished together.
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Transcript:
Intro: Welcome to Becoming a Sleep Consultant! I’m your host Jayne Havens, a certified sleep consultant and founder of both Snooze Fest by Jayne Havens and Center for Pediatric Sleep Management.
On this podcast, I’ll be discussing the business side of sleep consulting. You’ll have an insider’s view on launching, growing, and even scaling a sleep consulting business. This is not a podcast about sleep training. This is a podcast about business building and entrepreneurship.
When we talk about sleep consulting, we often focus on helping babies and toddlers learn to fall asleep independently and sleep through the night. But in reality, so much of the work we do is about coaching parents. It’s about helping them build confidence, shift their mindset, and establish new routines that can feel both exciting and a little intimidating all at the same time.
On today’s episode of the Becoming a Sleep Consultant podcast, I’m joined by Sarah, a former client who came to me wanting a very gradual and parent-present approach. She was cautious about making changes, and wanted to be sure that her baby always felt supported and secure.
What unfolded was such a powerful example of how blending empathy with accountability leads to unbelievable results. Together, we simplified the process, made small yet sustainable changes, and celebrated every single win along the way. Within just two weeks, her baby was sleeping independently, and Sarah felt calm, confident, and proud of what we had accomplished together.
I’m so excited for you to hear this conversation and get an inside look at what it really means to support parents through this transformation. Let’s dive in.
Jayne Havens: Sarah, welcome to the Becoming a Sleep Consultant podcast. I am so excited to be chatting with you today.
Sarah Gardner: Yeah, thanks for having me.
Jayne Havens: Why don’t we start by you introducing yourself and telling us a little bit about your baby? Share his name, his age. Tell us a little bit about his temperament and personality.
Sarah Gardner: Yeah, so my name is Sarah. I live in the Washington, DC area. I have an eight month old named Sully. He is a very happy, easygoing little guy, and we’re very fortunate at how easygoing he is. I think the one thing that has been challenging for us from day one is sleep. He is not a sleeper. He is a FOMO baby. So he doesn’t like naps, and he doesn’t like nighttime sleep.
Jayne Havens: Well, he’s come a long way with that, right?
Sarah Gardner: Yes, he has come a very long way. But yes, up until now, he has not liked sleep.
Jayne Havens: Yeah, I think we can say that in the past tense.
Sarah Gardner: Yes, we can.
Jayne Havens: Because he’s doing so much better now.
Sarah Gardner: Good correction. I agree.
Jayne Havens: So before we started working together, why don’t you share a little bit about what sleep looked like in your home?
Sarah Gardner: As soon as we brought him home from the hospital, the first two nights home, he was up the whole night. We had to talk to our doula at the time and figure out how to adjust that. And so that took a little bit to get him to not confuse day and night. Then once we got that down, he was still waking up every two to three hours to eat, which is normal when they’re really little. But when we went to our sixth month doctor appointment, they said, “Hey, he shouldn’t be doing that anymore.” We were surprised to hear that. We thought that he was just slower to figure out the nighttime sleep.
We had friends who have babies who were sleeping through the night. But we thought every baby is different, and he was just going to take longer do that. We were willing to be patient. But hearing that from the pediatrician definitely made us rethink that. We started trying to feed him less at night, and he was not having it.
Ultimately, we moved him from his bassinet to his crib around that time too, which was still in our room. We wanted him in our room. He slept—again, two or three hours at a time, but very consistently—when he was in the bassinet. And as soon as we moved him to the crib, it was one hour at a time. He was inconsolable, and he wanted to eat every time he woke up. So his sleep progressed pretty substantially. He ended up being in the bed with us a lot, which we knew was not safe.
At first, we were alternating staying up and being awake so that one of us could get sleep while he was in the bed, and then he could get sleep. But ultimately, we were tired, and we would end up falling asleep. We were doing it in the safest way possible, but it’s still not safe, especially given how mobile he had become recently.
He’s crawling. He’s working on standing. But we really were at our wits’ end because he would not sleep in the crib for more than a couple one-hour intervals at a time. And if he slept in our bed, he would sleep for four hours straight. So we just decided that that was the better course of action. But we were not getting sleep, and we were starting to snap at each other a little bit from being tired. We decided it was worth investigating a different solution.
Jayne Havens: So can you dig in, if you’re willing to share, a little bit deeper to sort of how you are feeling emotionally, mentally, and physically at that time?
Sarah Gardner: Yeah, I recently started a pretty high-stress job that I really need to be at my best. So I feel like I was feeling very tired at work. I wasn’t doing my best work when there’s a lot of pressure on me to do big, important things, which was stressful. I’m used to being one of the best people on the team, being successful really easily, and I felt like that was not coming as easily. I was just not as focused at work, and I really wanted to go take a nap every day.
And then in our relationship, like I said, my husband is my best friend. We get along very, very well. We really like each other. He’s a very good partner, a very good dad. I feel like we were having fights over the dumbest little things that we both recognized were dumb and little. But we were just tired, and so we were struggling. Then when he sleeps in the bed with us, or when he slept in the bed with us, I was really mostly the responsible one for the safe sleep part.
He was sleeping next to me, so I didn’t really have covers. I didn’t have a pillow. So I wasn’t sleeping well, which would make me feel fragile and tired and exhausted. So I just think, all around, it was affecting our lives—and probably Sully, too. Like I said, he has always been a happy baby. It didn’t appear that the lack of sleep was affecting him, so we really thought that he’s just not a sleeper. But I guess, later, I’ll tell you how he’s changed since getting more sleep. Because he definitely has, in a good way.
Jayne Havens: That’s amazing. Prior to working together, what was your mindset around Sully’s sleep? I mean, you touched on this a little bit, but did you just think this is appropriate, this is the way it’s going to be? Did you have any sort of negative feelings around changing it? Did that feel bad before you actually made some changes?
Sarah Gardner: Yeah, I think Scott and I both — Scott is my husband. I think we both were feeling like — how do I describe it? I feel like we didn’t want to rush Sully to be where other people thought he should be. We really felt like we were doing what was best for him in being patient and figured that he would eventually sleep more. We didn’t want to rush him, and we thought we were doing a good job by not rushing him. I think what changed was just, one, it was not getting better. If anything, it was getting worse.
For a long time, we spent a solid two months of being in a really bad place with sleep all around without it looking like it was getting better in any way. So we decided it was worth investigating.
Our mindset was like, we want to be very hands on. We still want him in the room with us. We just want him to sleep in the crib. We’ll do whatever we have to do to make him feel supported in that but still have him close by. I was pretty set on him being in the room with us, and us being very present while he was falling asleep. That was kind of my mindset going into it. I guess we’ll get to this in a minute. I talked to a couple of sleep folks, and I feel like I heard different things. I don’t know if you want me to share that now, or if you want me to share that.
Jayne Havens: Actually, I would love that. I remember that when we — my first question is: what made you ultimately say, “Alright. I got to do something. I got to get on the phone with a few sleep consultants”? I’m wondering if there was sort of a rock-bottom moment that made you really just spring into action. And then, yeah, sure, I’d love to hear a little bit about conversations that you had—because I know you had several conversations with a few sleep consultants—and how you landed on working with me.
Because I’m a firm believer that I’m not the right coach for everybody. I think that personalities need to click. You need to feel confident with the person that’s going to be supporting you. And it’s so important that you ultimately land with the person who’s going to support you in a way that resonates with you. So I’d love to hear about how you came to the decision that we should work together.
Sarah Gardner: I think that it wasn’t like a rock-bottom moment necessarily. I think I was just starting to notice the patterns in my life of being really tired at work, and it was really starting to affect the quality of my work. I was noticing in how every day I was like, “Oh, I just need a nap. If I could just get a nap, then I would be able to do this work. I’d be able to do what I need to do.” And also, like I said, our relationship—not that we had big fights or anything—just Scott and I are normally very much on the same page, very much in sync.
All of a sudden, we weren’t, and again fighting about the dumbest things. I was like, I feel like that’s a sign that we’re tired. I feel like we’re just too tired. I don’t want this to become a bigger thing. So I told Scott, “We’re going to get a sleep consultant.” And he said okay.
So I started talking to people. I looked into Facebook group, and there was quite a few suggestions. The first couple of people I talked to had variations of personality, temperament. But all of them, I think, were very much like, “Whatever you want, whatever you’re comfortable with. Yep, we’ll do that,” when I said we want him in the room, and we want to be very present. They were kind of letting me run the conversation. And when I talked to you, actually—I think I’ve shared this with you—my initial reaction, 10 minutes in, was that we were not going to work with you, because you’re like me. You’re very blunt and very straightforward, and I think I wasn’t ready to hear the things you were saying.
Unlike the other folks, you were challenging my thinking in a way that it needed to be challenged. But the more you talked, and as I was processing what you were saying, the way I framed it, it was like tough love. So rather than saying, “Yeah, Sarah, whatever you want. You know what’s best for your baby”—which you do, you say that. But when I would say something, you’d say, “Oh, Sarah, I want you to think on that for a second. Why did you say that? Why did you frame it that way?” I think it spoke to me also because I used to be a teacher. So it felt very teacher like.
Like, you’re trying to help guide me to the right solution, rather than just telling me the answer. Then also, the way you framed things for me just gave me a whole new mindset about it. That made it a lot less scary to do this.
The one thing that you said that was the reason I chose to work with you was, when I was saying, “Oh, I want him in the room. I want to be really present. If he’s crying for even 10 seconds, I’m going to want to take him out. I can’t handle it,” you said, “Well, Sarah, you said he’s sleeping in the bed with you. Would you say that that’s safe?” I was like, “No, I know it’s not, but I don’t really have another option.” You’re like, “When you put him in the car seat, does he always want to go in the car seat?”
The answer to that is no. He also hates the car. I should have said that earlier. He didn’t like sleep, and he also didn’t like the car. That’s also a past tense. He did not like the car. A lot of times, when we put him on the car seat, he’ll cry the entire car ride. You said, “Okay, well, when he does that, do you take him out of the car seat and hold him in your lap while you’re driving?”
Obviously, no. But when you framed it that way, it just made me really think. It’s like, yeah, I’m there. I’m in the car. He knows I’m there. He’s aware that I’m there, and he still cries the whole time. You reassured me. You’re like, “You’re there. He knows you love him. You’re a good parent. He’s not crying because you’re not doing a good job. He’s crying because that’s how he communicates. He’s saying he doesn’t want to sit in the car seat, and you’re saying, “Too bad. That’s what’s best for you.” And as you said, this is similar.
That mindset really carried me through to get us to where we are now, and it made me a lot more open to this process. I think, continuously, you showed up in that way of pushing my thinking while affirming what I’m feeling in a very supportive way. That ultimately got us to where we are and helped us find success.
Jayne Havens: Yeah, I actually really loved working with you. I have to say—
Sarah Gardner: I loved working with you, too.
Jayne Havens: I really loved working with you because you, actually, are not my typical client. My clientele, generally speaking, is the type of mom who comes to me knowing they want to sleep train. They’re not actually super anxious about it. They just want to make sure they’re optimizing the process. They just want to make sure they’re doing it right. They don’t necessarily have a ton of nerves or anxiety around it. They just want to make sure that they do it the easiest and best way possible, and it feels helpful to have someone walking them through.
And so it’s not every day that I’m in the position to really work on the mindset piece with families. I would say that that was like, I don’t know. It was really fun for me to see the transformation from your initial thought process of, like, “I cannot and I will not give him even a single moment to be upset without me right there next to him,” to realizing that — I think I gave you the analogy of teaching a child to ride a bike. Like if you’re always holding the seat as your child is riding a bike, you’re running alongside of them and you never let go, then they’re never riding a bike. Right?
Sarah Gardner: Right.
Jayne Havens: They’re never learning to ride a bike if you never let go. I do believe that it’s the same thing with sleep. Like, if you don’t let go, then they are not able to do it on their own. And so we did, I think, really take it slow. I’d love to get into that a little bit—if you’re willing, if you want to share sort of what the first couple of nights looked like—and sort of illustrate that it doesn’t need to be all like wham, bam, done in three days. It can be a gradual process.
Because I think your experience really highlights that nicely. We had nights where you were super consistent and nights where maybe you were a little bit less consistent. But ultimately, Sully still made amazing progress night after night without perfect implementation, which I think is really important to share.
Sarah Gardner: I think before we even started, my husband was leaving for a work trip that week. I thought that’s actually the perfect time to do it for the consistency purpose. Because I feel like when there’s two people and you’re not on the same page, it doesn’t necessarily go well. Actually, now that I think back, the first night helped solidify that. Because he was in our room, in his crib. We put him down. For 30 minutes, I laid there and went, “Shh, it’s okay.” I patted him. I said, “Mama’s here.” Scott was on his phone in bed, in the room.
After 30 minutes, I said, “Scott, I’m so tired. Can we switch?” And so he went over, and he started padding and shushing. I closed my eyes. Then all of a sudden, Sully stopped crying. I opened my eyes, and Scott was holding him. I was like, “Scott, I spent 30 minutes with my heart hurting listening to our child cry, while I sat there and petted his head. Then you, after 10 minutes, he gave up.”
He’s like, “Well, he was reaching for me.” I was like, “I know you love him. I know he was reaching for you. We need to be on the same page.” So then I was like, “This is good. This is the week we’re going to do this. You’re going to go on your work trip. I’m going to do this and get it consistent. Then when you come back, we can work together to keep it going.”
So I told him — well, I asked him. I said, should we move him to his own room? We talked about it. At first, we were like, no, we really want him in our room. We like having him nearby. It makes us more comfortable. But then as I was thinking about it, I was like, we’re going to put all this effort into getting him on a good sleep schedule. Then he’s going to turn a year old, and we’re going to move him to his room. We’re not going to do it all over again. I feel like I don’t know how long this is going to take.
This could take months. I don’t want to add another level into it, if I don’t have to. So I said, “Before you go on your work trip, go ahead and move his crib into his room.” Then I got a blow-up mattress at Target that day. I set it up myself in his room, next to his crib. So that night—it’s also hard to think back—I feel like he actually pretty quickly was okay going to bed.
Jayne Havens: Yeah, I think at that second night, he had an amazing time going to bed. He did. It was almost like he understood the assignment. And if I remember correctly—
Sarah Gardner: And maybe because he moved. I don’t know.
Jayne Havens: I think, honestly, he just like — I always love the bike analogy because I think it’s very similar. I always tell parents, whether it’s sleep training or learning any new skill, practice. Even if you don’t learn the skill, practice is not for nothing. I do believe that the 40 minutes that you guys spent practicing on night one better positioned him to do it on night two, even though he didn’t do it himself on night one.
Just like when you take a kid out to ride a bike and they actually don’t learn how to ride a bike on the first day, when you go out the second day, they’re better off for the practice they had on the first day. I think it’s the same thing with sleep training. So I really think after that first night of him sort of emotionally duking it out with you, and you shushing and padding, even if ultimately you guys rocked him to sleep on that first night, he practiced. Then I think, on night two, he just sort of nailed it.
Sarah Gardner: Yeah, and I think going back to night one, too, I think he made it in the crib the longest he’d ever made it in the crib even in our room after that 40 minutes, and even though we rocked him to sleep. I want to say, he made it four hours in the crib or something like that. Then he ultimately needed to be in our bed that first night. But that was already progress at first night, which was crazy. Then we moved him to his room. I had the blow-up mattress. He went down pretty easily. I was shocked. I think it took five minutes of him crying.
It wasn’t really crying; it was fussing. He fell asleep, and I was shocked. Then he woke up a couple times and did put himself back to sleep. But ultimately, twice was pretty unhappy. And both times, after a couple minutes of him fussing, I took him out and fed him. Because he was used to eating every three hours overnight. So even eating twice overnight was less than what he was used to. So also progress even that second night. Then I really think that, by the third night, he was only waking up once. Spoiler alert: I think the whole two weeks we worked together, he only woke up once every night after that. Or woke up.
Sorry. Let me correct myself. Woke up enough that we got him out of the bed to feed him only once. So he went from eating three or four bottles overnight to eating one bottle overnight within a couple of days, which was also something that we were worried about. Also, I guess, to be really clear, we also just thought he was way hungrier than other babies. Because he was eating probably close to 45 ounces of milk a day and then also eating real food multiple times a day. His daycare is great. They feed him breakfast, lunch, and two snacks. So he was eating a lot of food.
But then, when we got him down to the one bottle so easily, I realized that, no, he didn’t really need that much food. He was just used to us feeding him to help him go to sleep. So we made progress. I think I slept on the blow-up mattress in there for two nights. And then by the third night, you were like, “Okay, let’s back off a little bit. Let’s not pat him.” You said only shush him. And also, correct me if this is what happened. But I think that’s what happened.
You said only shush him and sit in the chair until he goes to sleep in his room, which is not right next to his crib. It’s across the room. Then when he goes to sleep, go to bed. And I was like, “Okay, I can do this.” I left the blow-up mattress in there, just in case. I’m glad I did. He did it. He was fine. He woke up the one time like he had been the other nights, pretty consistently around 2 AM. He would wake up and be up enough that I was like, okay, I feel like he’s hungry. I would feed him a bottle.
There was definitely nights in the two weeks where it was harder for him to fall back asleep in that middle of the night. He pretty consistently went to bed. Sometimes literally within one minute, he was asleep. Sometimes five minutes. But he was pretty good about that initial going to sleep. Then throughout the night, he would wake up for a minute or two and fall back asleep himself.
It was just that one middle of the night wake up that he was struggling. It was challenging. But ultimately, by the end of the two weeks, even that middle of the night one — even now, he doesn’t not cry at that middle of the night one, but he cries for a couple minutes, and then he’s asleep. He can do it, and he’s fine. Then he wakes up at 6:30. He’s so happy to be up. He’s thrilled to be up. And so I feel like I was just shocked at how quickly it happened.
But to your point earlier, it was definitely not consistent night to night in terms of how many times he needed us to come shush and pat him, or if we had to shush and pat him at all, or if he needed to eat eight ounces, or if he only ate five ounces. Each night was not necessarily consistent. But overall, the result every night was similar—one wake up and one bottle, which is a huge difference from where we were. Getting to sleep in our own bed and getting to sleep with a pillow, that alone, I missed sleeping with a pillow so much. It’s so nice to sleep with a pillow. So it really made a big difference for us in that time.
Jayne Havens: I think when we first spoke, one of the questions you asked me was, “If we want to take this really gradually, if we want to implement a really gentle approach, how long is this going to take?” I think you really thought it was going to take months, right?
Sarah Gardner: I did.
Jayne Havens: I remember saying to you, “I’m pretty confident that even after two weeks, you’re going to feel good to go. I don’t think you’re going to need me for longer.” It was amazing to see even those tiny little changes you made made such a huge difference for Sully, and what a transformation. I would love to hear a little bit about his transformation, because you’ve shared a little bit about how much better you feel, which is amazing. You always thought Sully was such a happy baby. Do you feel like, now hindsight is 20/20, he was really tired, and you just couldn’t see it?
Sarah Gardner: Yeah, he has always had a very happy, smiley — he’s the smiliest baby. People all the time stop us. They’re like, “That is the cutest, smiliest baby.” Because he is a very happy and social little baby. Not that I didn’t think the lack of sleep wasn’t affecting him, because I know lack of sleep affects everybody, but I was like, “Oh, he’s mostly fine. He’s mostly okay.” But in getting more sleep, it’s crazy how much he’s grown in the last two weeks.
He’s more curious. He’s even happier and less easily frustrated than he was in random moments, when he had those moments of being frustrated. He started saying “Dada.” He says Dada all day long every day, and Scott loves it. But I feel like he’s making those mental connections and mental leaps—that maybe he wouldn’t have made as quickly if he wasn’t getting the sleep. I just think he’s even more engaged. He already was such a funny, interesting — I obviously think I have the best baby. I think everybody does. But he was already so great. It’s like he’s even more — he’s just blossoming. I don’t know. It’s just really cool to see how he’s engaging with the world.
At the beginning, I mentioned that getting in the car was also always hard for him. He’s never liked the car seat. He’s been pretty fine in the car. He looks out the window and is looking to see what’s out there. I think he’s just more engaged with the world because he’s not as tired, which makes me feel so badly for all the time that we didn’t just let him sleep. It also made me realize that it was us and our mental barrier that was the problem, and not his ability or his desire to sleep. I would give that advice all day long. That’s why I’m here.
You asked me, “Sarah, are you willing to do a podcast?” I know that that’s not your main audience, but I hope your audience takes something from this and can share with other moms that they’re doing the right thing and that it’s really all about your mindset and that you need to let your kid, I would say, let your kid fly. But you say, let the kid ride the bike. You need to let them do it because they can do it. You shouldn’t be the one inhibiting them from doing it.
Jayne Havens: The audience for this podcast is generally people who are interested in doing this work, but I will be sharing this with moms as much as possible because—
Sarah Gardner: Oh, please do.
Jayne Havens: —I think that it’s so important for parents to hear from other parents who maybe felt like them—anxious to make a change, nervous about what it might look like, or what it might sound like to make these changes—and then, in two short weeks, are over the hump, on the other side with a baby who has confident, healthy, and independent sleep habits and is just doing so well.
I so want parents to hear this message. Because I think there’s so much sort of mom shaming and mommy martyrdom that sort of infiltrates this topic of sleep training. And I just love when moms who were once really nervous and scared about it and then are on the other side for them to have the opportunity to share their story and say, like, “Hey, this actually went okay. This was what was right for our family.” And it feels good to be on the other side.
Sarah Gardner: Yeah, and I think two things there, too. One, obviously, it’s always hard to hear him fuss. It’s always hard to hear him cry. But for me, personally—it still all worked—when he was really upset, when he was genuinely, I could tell. It wasn’t just fussing to communicate with me. But he genuinely was like, “I need my mom. I want my mom.” I went in there every time, and he still got to where he is. He’s fine.
But it was differentiating what is fussing and what is, as you mentioned, trying to sleep, like practicing sleeping, and him making that effort versus him really wanting and needing me for comfort. He’s still a baby. And so that was my mindset. I know it’s not how everybody sees it. But for me, I wanted to be there for him when he really, truly needed me. And no, I’m going to come back if you really, honestly need me. And so how often do I end up going in there because he’s really, truly crying? Still once a night. Sometimes twice. But I don’t pick him up.
Just me being there, he’s like, okay. He goes back to sleep, and he can do it. So I don’t think you have to ignore your instincts. I think if you have those instincts and you want to do that, you can still be successful with it. I also wanted to point out, working with you specifically, it’s funny thinking about the anxiety thing. I’m a very anxious mom, for sure. I just have a lot of anxiety in general, specifically about being a mom. I’m going to go with four to eight-minute voice memos every day recapping the night and what my thoughts were, what made me anxious, and what the next night was going to be like.
You were so good about, one, also sending me back voice memos, which I loved. I like a little voice memo back and forth. But really, again, being very consistent—your consistency helped me be consistent with him—of, “You can do this. He can do this. You are not doing the wrong thing. You are doing the right thing for him.”
Just helping me keep that mindset of, “This is what’s best for him.” I’m the parent, and I need to do what’s best for him. I can do that while still following my instincts and being a caring mom. And so I’m really grateful to you for that. I needed, like I said, that tough love from you. I’m sure those other sleep coaches are great. And again, as you mentioned, everyone has their own style. But for me, personally, that’s what I needed. I needed someone to hold me accountable and to push my thinking. You did that, and I’m very grateful.
Jayne Havens: I think for other sleep consultants who are listening, for those who listen to my podcast, I actually describe my approach often as a client-led approach, which doesn’t mean that I let you run the show, right?
Sarah Gardner: Yeah.
Jayne Havens: That’s not what that means. When I say that I have a client-led approach, it means that I present all of the age-appropriate options, which means we might start with a really gradual and parent-present approach, or we might implement more traditional, hands-off sleep training techniques. I let my clients decide.
That being said, I want to make sure that I’m continuing to move you in the right direction. I want to make sure that, every single day, I’m empowering you to show up confidently and hold a boundary around sleep in a way that resonates with your parenting style. It doesn’t mean that I let you run the show, but it means that I let you do it using a technique or a method that aligns with your parenting style. But we’re still going to ultimately take our hand off that bike seat. And so I’m just so glad that you saw such progress and that it all worked out great.
What would you say to a tired mom who’s resisting getting this type of help? I think there’s a lot of guilt and shame for one reason or another. I’m not really sure why. Maybe moms just feel like they should be able to figure this out on their own, that we shouldn’t need a coach or a consultant to help us with mothering. But what would you say to a mom who’s really, really struggling in deciding whether or not they should seek this type of support?
Sarah Gardner: For me, it wasn’t shame around getting help. I think it was shame around feeling like I was giving up in this patient mothering, of he’ll sleep when he wants to sleep and when he needs to sleep. I think, ultimately, like I said at the top, I got help because I saw it was affecting our family’s life. I felt like us being well-rested makes Scott and I better parents, makes us better people. Sully needs us to show up in the best possible way. And so, since his pediatrician said — I think it’s different if he was one month old or two months old or whatever, I think we still would have been — that’s our personal approach. We would have been patient.
That’s what we would have done. But when our pediatrician was like, “That’s not normal. He shouldn’t be waking up that many times a night,” that was a little bit of a wakeup call and feeling like I was doing something wrong. If even his pediatrician is like, “Nope, that’s incorrect. He should not be waking up four times a night,” I think it just made me feel like, okay, well, we’re not doing what’s best for him. At the end of the day, you can’t let other people decide what’s best for your child in terms of the mom shaming.
Ultimately, you’re their mom. It’s your responsibility to do what’s best for them and get them the help they need. Needing help makes a ton of sense, especially if you’re a first-time mom. You haven’t done this before. Just like your baby has not slept on their own, you have not been a mom before. So why would you necessarily have all the tools that you need to be successful? I’m all about women supporting women, and I feel like this is women supporting women. The work that you do is: you are supporting women in being more confident moms in helping their children. I don’t think you should feel shame around getting support.
Personally, I don’t let other people’s opinions necessarily bother me. A lot of my friends actually have babies around Sully’s age. Their babies have been sleeping through the night since they were three months old, and all the time would say things to me like, “Well, is the room dark? Are you talking to him when you’re feeding him? Are you watching TV on your phone? Because he knows that. Are you doing an 11 PM—what’s that feed called—dream feed?” And I was like, screw you guys. Yes, I’m doing all of the things. He just doesn’t want to sleep.
My baby is just different, and that’s okay. He’s a baby. And to some extent, that’s true. All babies are different. And to some extent, that is true. But at some point, you have to reflect and say, “Am I getting in the way? Is this genuinely I’m being patient and I’m being supportive? Or am I the problem, and am I getting in the way?” And if it’s you, then I think it’s your responsibility as mom to get the help that you need. Because again, you’ve never done it before. That’s okay. Find someone who has and who can help you so that you can sleep and be a sane person and a good mom.
Jayne Havens: That’s amazing. Thank you so much for letting me share your story. I haven’t done one of these interviews with a mom or a client recently, so I’m just so grateful that you were willing to share your story really honestly and candidly. I think it’s going to help moms, and I think it’s going to help the professionals who are in the field doing this work. So I’m really grateful for you. I hope that we will remain in touch. I want to see pictures of Sully as he grows. I should hope that you never need my help again with sleep. But if you do, you know where to find me, right? Fingers crossed. Hugs and kisses to your entire family.
Sarah Gardner: Yeah, thank you. Again, Jayne, we’re so grateful to you. It’s truly been life changing. So thank you.
Jayne Havens: You’re welcome.
Outro: Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the Becoming a Sleep Consultant Podcast. If you enjoyed today’s episode, it would mean so much to me if you would rate, review, and subscribe. When you rate, review, and subscribe, this helps the podcast reach a greater audience. I am so grateful for your support.
If you would like to learn more about how you can become a certified sleep consultant, head over to my Facebook Group, Becoming a Sleep Consultant or to my website thecpsm.com. Thanks so much, and I hope you will tune in for the next episode